Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
#merica
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.