over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday