People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu