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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.