wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Baking is just science you can eat.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I WON A HAM TODAY
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird