I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Need this in my life lol
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded