EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?