Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes