8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire