My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…