Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
This is my emotional support knife.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf