A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Mad Max Arctic Road
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?