People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.