Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.