Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.