I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.