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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot