according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral