Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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The prophecy is fulfilled
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
There is wisdom there.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.