If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
This guy’s not having it 😆
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts