Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…