me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Good news
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?