The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
How can I say no to this ?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host