*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office