[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“What movie?” 🤔