contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
welp
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.