[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.