If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!