It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
These are too funny not to post 😂
We’ve all been there…
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Yes
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.