Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
can’t believe I got front row seats
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*