Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
You Might Also Like
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?