Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*