When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Lmaoo 😂