Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
🙅🏻
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?