Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Botany good plants lately?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out