If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah