A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
😂😂
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good