[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.