I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.