MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.