If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!