Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
what are they serving at kfc then???
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.