This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges