*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable