Des Moines Police having a normal one
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
you will never know the true number of layers
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
So we got a goldfish…
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine