Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I hope it’s French Onion!
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
smh
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading