Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.