Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Brands during Pride
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?