Safety first
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???