Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
A friend helps you before you need it
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants